have you ever been cheated on? i'm trying to figure out why it's so common...is it acceptable right now, like pre marriage? is it considered a "part of life"? is it the path that is taken before you find "the one"? i really don't know, i just don't get it.

i was cheated on once (which i tend to be in denial about), and it was one of the worst feelings ever. while i'm over that relationship at this point i can still feel the knot in my stomach when i think about it. i didn't yell, curse, cry, or swing when i found out...i was just numb. the betrayal! why? how? when? to this day my ex will tell me that he didn't cheat...so how is it that we have two completely different views on the same event?? "i didn't sleep with her"

see what i found out was my boyfriend was "skyping" with his "friend" (a female) and that he invited to stay at his apartment during a trip to nyc and there were "sweetie and xo" text messages...in my eyes that is cheating:
- as the girlfriend of several years i knew all of his friends and she was not one of them
- i didn't even know homeboy had skype
- no female friend that i don't know should be called "sweetie"
- inviting a female friend that i don't know to stay in your apartment with you? ha! the only way that would go down is if it was a slumber party and i was there too...but nope i wasn't even made aware of it

many people may argue if it was cheating or not because like my ex said they didn't sleep together! but i don't give a shit! cheating to me is the act of not being loyal and that my friend is not loyal! Steph Anita says, "cheating is anything done that if your partner were to out would hurt them". Well, that hurt me so cheating it is!

i sparked the question "what's considered cheating?", and got some pretty passionate responses from men and women both single and relationships. some answers shocked me while others were totally relatable. here's what people had to say:

it's the thought that counts

"much like when in rehab or AA they say you dont relapse at the point in which you drink, smoke etc.. but that actual relapse (cheating in this case), occurs when you first start thinking about it. it's mental first, always..." says Vic Varanian (a married man). so is there a such thing as harmless flirting? some people will tell you flirting is healthy, others...not so much! while flirting might not be considered cheating it's fair to say most affairs stemmed from "innocent flirting". or what about giving someone else your time...if you have a friend that you know would or has the desire to be with you in a capacity more than friendship is it fair to be spending time with that person? yahira vargas considers the above cheating! why? "physical contact with someone other than your partner doesn't just fall from the sky. it normally starts with giving someone who isn't your partner time. the time and flirting will almost always lead to physical cheating!" one response i received was from maria who simply stated "anything that evolves from innocent flirting".

what they don't know can't hurt you

so let's say you "innocently flirt" with someone...are you deleting those text messages so your partner doesn't see? why delete if it's innocent? or you have a 100% platonic friend who sends you wild messages because that's just the relationship you have...do you delete those? again why? a lot of people wrote to me on the topic of deleting text messages. fatima teos wrote, "if you find yourself deleting messages so your partner won't see, you're well on your way to cheating". while a good friend of mine who is engaged feels like deleting text is sometimes necessary to simply avoid an unnecessary issue. "just because you delete a text conversation doesn't mean you're cheating. what if you just haven't told your partner about a completely platonic male friend yet?" another friend of mine lily reyes says "you could be open but some guys/girls might not understand the way you might joke with a friend, so to avoid a possible argument just delete". see, i just don't look at it that way. you shouldn't have to hide anything, if you're honest with your partner that should be it. friendships should be honored and respected as should your relationship. perhaps you shouldn't be with someone who you can't be 100% honest with...just a thought. hiding and lying is just too much work and is not a piece of the healthy relationship recipe. but on the flip side if you are deleting messages from someone because they are inappropriate and you know that they are not those that you should be receiving while in a relationship you need to address the issue with the sender and make them aware of your relationship and how that is not okay. even with that i would tell my partner, maybe i'm too honest....

we didn't have sex

the biggest debate of all "physical vs emotional"! if it's not physical is it still cheating? is an emotional affair worse than a physical? almost every single person that gave me their opinion on cheating said emotional was worse than physical and i must say i agree 4000%! obviously sleeping with someone or "hooking up" (lord knows what that even means) is disgusting and dead wrong when you are in a relationship with someone else but there is something about an emotional affair that hits harder it just seems to me that an emotional affair means more. what do i mean by that? well unfortunately meaningless sex does exist (but it still counts!) but an emotional relationship comes from the heart and takes time that you willingly put in. you can't fake an up all night phone call, or fake the smile that you can't wipe every time you're around or even see that person's name on your phone, you can't fake wanting to run to that person and tell them every detail of your day and text them every thought that runs through your mind...nope you can't fake that! that comes from the heart! that takes time! that's time that you should be spending with your partner but instead sharing and growing with someone else. you are allowing someone else into a place that is reserved solely for your partner and a place that your partner has reserved solely for you. it's a place that only has room for one...or not?

in love with two people

does that spot in your heart really only have room for one? or are humans not built to love just one person? some believe that humans weren't created to be monogamous, that is in our nature to connect, become attached and love more than one person. okay so it's not "in our blood" or in our make up but as humans we have morals and values and we have to ability to make choices. with that we have the ability to make the decision to be with one person. so let's say you're in a relationship: you've been with your partner for 5+ years, you love them, you live together, you share everything, they're the person you are going to marry one day. now you meet someone else: a super cool person who is just so awesome to talk to (at this point you're like omg i just found the coolest new buddy something completely platonic) and you start chatting daily, then it turns into all day, then you realize wow this person is really amazing and you feel connected, now let's say you finally hang out and shit you realize "wow this person is so easy to look at!" so now you're physically attracted to this person you are completely connected to on an emotional level...you now find yourself fallen for two people. is that possible? is the second person just lust, a little spice in your life because you've become so comfortable with your partner?? or are you really not in love with your partner if you were able to fall for someone else?? i believe that if you really are in love you have tunnel vision and falling for someone else isn't an option. that if you really loved someone you wouldn't and couldn't fall for someone else. but that's just me, what do i know?!

in the end it's all about respect. not everyone we meet and date will be "the one" but when you are with someone respect them. if you're with someone and you have the desire to be with someone else have enough respect for that person and call it quits, yeah they might be hurt but trust me they'll be a lot more hurt if you betray them, lie to them, and drag them on this journey where they have eyes only for you and you have your eyes, ears, and hands on them and someone else...not cool! just be honest, yes the truth tends to hurt from time to time but at the end of the day people have to respect the truth and you for telling it! if you're not ready to commit to one person then don't, that's okay! and if you're in a committed relationship and realize it's not for you or someone else sparked your interest, that's okay too it's life...but again be honest!

love respect and honesty goes a long way!