The First Weeks

DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT SPELL CHECK OR GRAMMAR CHECK, IT TOOK ME 4 DAMN WEEKS TO WRITE THIS AND CHECKING WASN'T IN THE SCHEDULE NOR DID I HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY. 

I still cannot believe that I am a momma, I cannot get over the fact that Miss Kennedy Kay is my daughter...I have a freaking daughter dude...what!!! While it is still surreal I sure as hell know it is real, I have a tiny little human to care for, my family is bigger by one, and the house full of more love and emotions. 

Like everyone else, I heard "being a mom is no joke, it's hard work" and I for sure never doubted that; however, I had no idea what it really meant until Miss Kennedy joined us here at home (the hospital had round the clock nurses so I cannot lie and say I felt the same there as I did once we got home). The first two weeks I had my mom here to help me while Jack was at work (the downside of having your own business is no work = no money, so we had to make the hard decision and send his ass off to get that money! ) and that was a huge help because physically I wasn't able to move around like I would have liked. 

PLEASE NOTE THAT I STARTED WRITING THIS 2 WEEKS AGO!!! I COULD NOT FOCUS FOR THE LIFE OF ME AND I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED!

So the first week was a total high; not a worry in the world other than Miss Kennedy (since mom was taking care of the house all focus was on the baby). There was a bit of a hiccup going into the first weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown and ended up butting heads with my mom...that is never ever fun! I had one of my best friends coming to visit and stay the weekend which I was super excited about but I also had a few group of people that were planning on visiting that weekend as well and thinking about that made me freak out a bit. There were loads of laundry both hanging up to dry around the house and piles of folded clothes that needed to be put away and in my mind all I could think about was the "mess" and all the people that would be in the house that weekend. When my friend arrived Charlie went loca, she was so freaking excited my poor baby (Charlie) needed some TLC and went ape shit for it upon her arrival (that added to my built up anxiety that I was internalizing because I knew it was all good things: laundry, friends, family, baby, pup). My darling angelic mother came into the room with a puzzle for my friend's daughter to play with and I nearly lost it in my head (laundry, wild pup, new baby, a million guests visiting the following day, and now a 60 piece puzzle) and gave my mom "the look", the look that said "get the F out of here with that puzzle before she notices and before I lose my shit"...well that didn't go over too well. She didn't say anything she just gave me "the look", the look that said "I'm highly offended and disgusted by that total bitch move Jacqueline" and since my emotions were on a million I felt the need to address her in regards to "the look" she gave me...that didn't go over too well either (shocker)! Let's just say emotions were running high on both ends and we both ended up in tears...holy fucking dramatics I know but it's the truth.

(NOTE TO SELF WRITE ABOUT A POST ABOUT HOW YOU CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK)

After that very dramatic episode my mom went home, I think we needed a break lol, we are VERY close so I guess that's "normal". When Jack got home from work instead of telling him about the argument with my mom I just used him as my emotional punching bag...not right, not fair I know but I seriously was a freaking emotional wreck and sometimes when you're too far into "crazy" you just have to let the crazy out (or maybe that's just me). Jesus, they said pregnancy and motherhood brings out all the honesty because NO FUCKS ARE GIVEN but I have straight diarrhea of the mouth (or fingers since I'm typing). The rest of the weekend was very nice; my girlfriend was SUPER helpful and supportive, she helped me off the edge and told me that the emotions are normal..."hello you just had a baby, that is a huge deal".  

That support from a fellow mom was very comforting; lucky for me I have quite a few very close friends that are moms and they all offered me that same advice ("it's ok, it's normal"). The following weekend I went to a family event with one of my besties and her family and again I received the support and advice from her and other women (complete strangers) and was hit with the exact same words of wisdom "it's okay, it's normal". At that point I finally allowed myself to admit that I was emotional and overwhelmed (which is OKAY) and that holding it in wasn't healthy but nor was lashing out at my loved ones. So I sat Jack down for a conversation and apologized for my reaction but explained that I was feeling overwhelmed at times and I needed him to have patience with me. Once I became mindful of my actions/feelings and communicated what I was feeling and what I needed from him things magically got better...who would have thunk, there was a weight lifted on both of our ends! It turns out that he too was overwhelmed and emotional and talking it out made us realize that our dreams came true with Kennedy and that life is always better when we play as a team not against one another. Also, let me make it clear just because I was emotional and overwhelmed DOES NOT mean I took the blessing named Kennedy for granted nor was I ever NOT happy for one second about her (people can be very judgmental, but I'm working on not giving a shit about what people think).   

In conclusion; I'm on cloud freaking 9 and so in love with my whole family but I was not prepared for the emotions that would come with this new chapter but communication with my loved ones and honesty with myself have been total game changers! It's okay to be stressed, overwhelmed, emotional, and confused people! Talk that shit out!! 

Birth Story

On 7/20/2017 at 10:51pm our lives were forever changed when our baby finally arrived. A healthy and beautiful baby girl (Kennedy Kay Solivan) was born weighing in at a whopping 10.5 pounds!

Here's how it went down! Well first a little back story:

7/5: My mucus plug fell out, in the parking lot of a diner...the pregnancy glamour continues.

7/6: I had my weekly OB appointment where I found out I was 2 cm dilated and 70 or 80% effaced (I forget, shocker)

7/11: Went to the hospital with a terrible stomach ache, turns out I was having contractions and didn't know it. I opted to go home because I was still only 2 cm dilated and did not want to stay in the hospital for possibly days and get induced. After leaving the hospital I prayed that my water would break (apparently that doesn't happen too often) because if I wasn't feeling contractions I was afraid that I wouldn't know I was in labor until it was too late and I would become a viral video "woman gives birth in car".

7/6-7/19: SLOWEST TWO WEEKS EVER, HOLY SHIT!!!!! The last two weeks felt just as long as the entire pregnancy combined, especially because the plug came out and I was dilated...we were on edge. Hell we even had family/friends come in from out of town to visit the baby, except the baby never showed up.

Okay now that we are caught up, let's get this story started. At 4pm on 7/19 I called Jack because I felt the stomach ache again; I told him no need to come home just an FYI. When he got home we decided to go out for a date night, I even put mascara and blush on (big deal!!)! I felt a little off while at dinner and Jack definitely sensed it, he asked "do you think today is the day" and I told him I thought so. Come 2am I woke up with the stomach ache pain (aka contractions), Jack asked if I wanted to go to the hospital but I opted out of it because I was still able to walk and talk (I wanted to spend as little time as possible at the hospital, while the pain was bearable). The discomfort continued and kept me up until 5am at which point I found the most bizarre position to doze off in and then at 5:30am POP by water broke! I jumped out of bed and calmly told Jack and he too jumped out of bed; then the waterfall just continued to pour out of me (there goes that pregnancy glamour again). Instead of running out the door I decided to attempt to "get ready" (shower, do my hair, make a few calls, and send a few "it's happening" text) BUT between Jack and my mom they told me to get my ass in the car and to the hospital...I was so bitter that I didn't get to shower or do my hair (but best believe I packed my flat iron in my hospital bag). On our way to the hospital I asked Jack to stop at Starbucks, he didn't (smh). 

Moving along, we got to the labor and delivery VIP entry and walked on in (after taking a selfie). We were both in great spirits and very calm (I sniffed Rosemary Oil like I was getting paid, it was heaven sent) as we were admitted, the wait was finally over! We were  admitted at 6:30am but I was still only about 2 cm dilated in active labor, by 10:30am I was 8 cm dilated and holy shit were those contractions very different from the ones I had in the middle of the night. Side note I wanted to go natural aka no drugs to help the pain which was cool for a while but after HOURS and HOURS at 8 cm I was starting to question my all natural mind set. I spent most of my labor in a hot shower which was a huge help; the nurses and Jack were coaching me, massaging my back, and shoving rosemary oil in my face. As the day/evening progressed I started getting visitors who were there in hopes of seeing Kennedy but instead they got a front row seat to me in labor (that's love); at that point I didn't give a rats ass about who was in the room and who saw what I was just focused on getting through the contractions (aka terrible pain). The nurses said I would give birth by lunch, come the end of their shift (7pm) I was STILL in labor and still 8cm dilated!! I have video footage of me in labor and it can probably be played in schools across America to prevent teen pregnancy. While I was in a shit ton of pain I was insanely calm and peaceful; I didn't curse not once and well if you haven't noticed by my writing I have a trucker mouth. I spent the entire labor yelling things like "OH SUGAR" and "HOLY FUDGE" the nurses thought I was an angel from heaven meanwhile Jack was wondering what happened to the woman he made a baby with LOL!! 

After my nurses left the doctor came in and gave me the devastating news that if no progress was made within the next 2 hours I would have to be taken in for a c section because of the baby's heart rate. Not only did the baby's heart rate start acting funny but I broke out into a 101 fever so I had to get an emergency c section; for the first time that day I had a break down...I DID NOT WANT A C SECTION but I knew I needed to oblige for the sake of the baby. Thinking back I was probably also full of emotion because now I knew my baby would be coming and SOON! Now to get a c section I needed to get drugged up obviously and they did that with an epidural, good times! As they wheeled me off to the operating room I said my goodbyes to my family and friends as Jack stayed by my side until it was time to get setup in OR then they made him wait outside. Those few minutes that I was without him in that ice cold bright white room were so scary; I was shaking with fear, nerves, and emotion. 

Once I heard his voice "Babe I'm here" and felt his hand on my forehead I felt better; still a wreck but between his presence and the heavy drugs I got through it. Shortly after he got in the room someone in the room said "Dad get up, get your camera ready, you're about to meet your baby" (Geez, I just cried.a little at my laptop) and I could hear Jack's voice shaking "Oh ok ok" then came the cry of our baby!! "Dad what is it? What is it dad? Dad tell mom what it is!" Jack was doing the gender reveal but was in such a daze he kind of took a while to tell me "It's a girl baby, we had a girl, hello Kennedy! OMG she has so much hair! You did it baby! I love you!"! (And I'm crying again) "OMG Jacqueline you just gave birth to a toddler she's GINORMOUS (no joke the doctor said ginormous at least 7 times while in OR), wow she must be a good 9 pounds" NOPE, Miss Kennedy Kay Solivan was TEN POUNDS AND 5 OUNCES...what in the world!!! The entire OR went nuts when they announced her weight, actually the entire labor and delivery until went wild and fell in love with the chubby cheek, full head of highlighted locks baby girl...she was hit! 

And that is the story of Miss Kennedy Kay's birth. The love is unreal!! 

Pee or Water?

"Hi, so I'm not sure how to ask this but here goes nothing...I either just peed my pants or something else just leaked out of me."; those words actually came out of my mouth this weekend! One would think that at 30 years old I would know the difference between different bodily fluids but at 38 weeks pregnant I have officially lost all control of body and logic. At this point in the game I seriously cannot tell the difference between: piss, sweat, water, or discharge (there is no such thing as TMI when it comes to pregnancy so I'm not apologizing for the language) it all seems the same to me! 

So yeah we had our first scare (hoping there are no more scares, it triggered some major anxiety) this weekend; we thought Bebe Solivan was going to join us in this world. While attempting to try on a dress at the Gap (it was a Zara dress that I had just bought because I had zero patience for the long Zara fitting room line, holy side track!) I literally started leaking/dripping...I'm talking drops of liquid on the damn changing room floor!! Jack was in the fitting room next to me and thought I was calling him over to check out my outfit...WRONG!! "Babe I'm leaking" I said calmly but with a look of terror as I flashed my very unattractive undergarments and pointed to the wet spots on the floor. God bless Jack for having the ability to stay calm for my sanity in every damn situation although this time I definitely noticed an eye bulge occur haha. I went to the bathroom to check out the scene but like I mentioned above I can't tell the damn difference between any of my GD bodily fluids anymore so that served zero purpose other than releasing my never not empty bladder. Jack suggested we go home but there was a Chick-Fil-A at the mall and I was not about to miss out on that even though I was having a minor panic attack thinking "this is the day". Before heading home we decided to stop by Best Buy to buy a Go Pro (and head strap) because we are either super sentimental or sick in the head and want to record the moment. Our priorities weren't completely jacked up, I did call the doctor who made me feel much better about not knowing the difference between pissing my pants and water breaking...in fact she said "that's normal" and told me I could have a slow leak and just to monitor the leakage and baby's movement. Needless to say we were on edge the rest of the day even as I "Cha Cha Slide(d)" my behind off at my cousins wedding that night (listen, my grandma said the more active I am the easier this baby will come out) hell I even kayaked and fished the next day (found some nice rocks to give birth on just in case). 

I mentioned it in a previous post nothing about not knowing the gender has stressed me out BUT not knowing

WHEN THE HELL I'M GOING TO GO INTO LABOR BUGS ME THE F OUT!!!

But like my bodily fluids, it is out of my control so all we can do is wait. The  carseat is in place and hospital bags are packed and ready to go, 38 weeks down who knows how many to go!

Finish Line

According to my pregnancy app we are 3 weeks and 3 days away from Bebe Solivan's due date and I am all over the place emotionally! I am beyond excited to meet our child...to see if it is a son or a daughter, will he/she have Jack's bright green eyes and my chubby cheeks? For the most part I have been out of character chill during this pregnancy (in regards to baby things) but suddenly I'm starting to get hit with waves of anxiety about the unknown; not about the baby's physical traits but important things like: when will he/she make their entrance, what is labor going to be like, and how the hell do we take care of a baby. There really is no "how to" manual out there, actually I take that back there are TOO many "how to" manuals and they all say something completely different so we're back at square one...clueless!

I know everyone says once the baby comes you magically figure it out, I guess it's kind of like how breast milk magically comes out once the baby is out?! But seriously how many often do I have feed the baby? Changing I guess I can figure out by checking the diaper. Do babies actually never sleep and cry all night...is that a real thing? There is only one way to find out...eek!! My one hope is to be the mom I can be to this little angel; giving them a life of love, laughter, and adventure. The most asked question recently has been "are you ready to get that baby out?" and the answer is not at all! Despite the awful sleep and daily dose of nausea I'm really loving this little baby inside of me and am in no rush for he/she to come out...there is no getting this time back. So for the next few days/weeks I will just continue to embrace pregnancy with belly rubs and tummy chats from Jack and Charlie as my protector; pretty soon we will be a party of 4!

Gender Reveal

"HE OR SHE WHAT WILL IT BE?" that was the name of my Pintrest board dedicated to gender reveal ideas long before having a baby was even a topic of conversation. Then, I got pregnant and suddenly all that planning went right out the window, just like every other plan I had (I am starting to get the idea that plans are kind of a joke during this time). The decision to not find out the gender actually wasn't even up for discussion; when we found out I was pregnant we both just knew we didn't want to find out. In the back of my mind I think the lost of the first pregnancy and the challenges we faced brought on our complete certainty in that decision. I'm not sure, I just know it's the perfect decision for us. It's really funny because a solid 98% of the people around us are going crazy with us not finding out the gender. Outside of them simply wanting to know they cannot believe that a control freak planner like myself is not dying to know so I can "prepare".  Luckily, this mama is a neutral freak in both decor and clothing so it's not changing anything on my end; the nursery nook (not doing a whole room just yet) will be perfect for a little lady or gentleman and as far as clothes I'm thinking they'll be living in yummy white onesies for a little while (with a touch of greys, ivory, and navy).

Here is the way we see it: In today's world we have instant gratification to anything and everything, so there really are no surprises in life. That combined with my inability to be surprised (that control freak thing I mentioned earlier) makes this moment one of life's very few surprises.

With that Bebe Solivan Gender Reveal: July 2017!

 

 

Hello Bump

Days before entering the second trimester my beautiful and amazingly talented friend Nicole pulled out her camera for a little photo session. I was not feeling very pretty (remember I was down for the count) plus I was super bloated (nobody warned me about constipation during pregnancy, holy shit!) but I am so freaking glad we took the time to capture these moments in our home. Below are a few of my favorites, I'll cherish these forever!

First Trimester Survival

Nothing in this world could have prepared me for the insane changes my body was going to undergo during the first few weeks/months of pregnancy. The thought of pregnancy always excited me; the cute baby bump, glowing skin, and the fact that life would be growing inside of me. Boy was I in for a surprise when I found myself glued to the bathroom floor from the moment I woke up until I finally passed out (literally because of dehydration). The doctors diagnosed me with hyperemesis gravidarum which basically means my body is sensitive to all the hormones and in turn I get sick AF; by sick I mean throwing up anything and everything ALL DAY (legit 10 times a day) and since I couldn't hold anything down I would get VERY weak due to the lack of nutrients. They pumped me up with nutrients, gave me some medication (Zofran), and put me on bed rest for an ENTIRE MONTH (the most torturous sentencing for Miss Independent); this episode repeated itself a few times throughout the first trimester. Also, I had NO IDEA that constipation during pregnancy was a thing...holy shit that is a killer! All the plans I had for adorable weekly photos went right out the window at week 5, mind you my pregnancy was confirmed at 4 weeks so those cute pics had a 1 week life span.

I struggled not only physically but emotionally as well. For starters, I felt completely useless; I could not do a thing around the house or for myself. Thank God blessed me with Jack as my partner; he took charge of everything without thinking twice (cleaning, cooking, working, bills, Charlie, hell he even had to bathe me),  he did all of it with such joy and pride, and constantly reminded me that my bed rest state was a much larger task than all the tasks he had..."you're growing our baby, you're Superwoman"! My biggest struggle was "mom guilt" (I didn't really know that was a thing let alone SO damn early in the game)! I felt bad that I had to take medication (you always hear pregnancy and medicine is a NO NO) and despite doctors telling me I HAD to I still felt uneasy; but I guess the doctors know a thing or two because without the medication I was back in the hospital causing harm to me and the baby. Part 2 of the "mom guilt" was the fact that a felt absolutely miserable; for a while I held in the truth when folks asked me how I was because I did not for one second want to seem that I was not beyond excited for this blessing.

All in all the first trimester (actually the first 4 months) was an absolute blur of very slow passing time but I survived (down 11 pounds) but now ready to make up for lost time for the rest of this pregnancy!

Holy Hormones

Jesus, what is happening to me? Oh yeah I'm pregnant! Everyday I'm looking up something new on the web: nipples on fire, super emotional, nausea, super emotional, non stop urination, super emotional, lack of appetite, super emotional, bloating, super emotional, mouth tastes like pennies, super emotional, exhausted. The answer I get for each search result: pregnancy symptom due to hormones; well fuck you hormones. I have a love hate relationship with these symptoms; I am excited to experience symptoms because I love the idea of pregnancy and they are a result of this beautiful miracle BUT holy shit they are hard on the body. What blows my mind is how quickly my body shifted to pregnant, like I feel "just pregnant" like I JUST got pregnant so how the hell can I be experiencing all this already?! Well according to the 8 pregnancy apps I've downloaded (no exaggeration) these first few weeks (aka the first trimester) is the most intense because the body is on hormone crack prepping for this little nugget. Physically it's the equivalent to a man mountain climbing 7 hours a day, which I 100% believe because I am insanely exhausted...I'm talking face and pillow full of drool exhausted! If there was one symptom I could give back it would be the hyper sensitivity and emotions, I am already a sensitive and emotional human being so throwing in all these extra hormones...JESUS! Last week was rough, I literally lost my shit because Jack spilled juice on the sofa...LOST.MY.SHIT!! I got so cray, Jack looked like a deer in headlights and I swear I saw the comic book thought bubble pop up "THIS BITCH IS FUCKING PSYCHO" (I sure was!). It took us a few days to regroup and simmer down so we could have an adult conversation to discuss what was up and I thank goodness that is behind us now. I'm so glad I can laugh about crying over spilled "milk". I guess this is pregnancy lol.

Cheers to the next 8 months! 

November 1

Holy Shit! I'm pregnant! Like the line is STRONG there is no second guessing if the test result is positive, that shit is positive. Holy Shit! I have major butterflies right now, actually I have had butterflies for about a week along with hot flashes now I'm wondering if those were symptoms? Ahh!! I feel really good vibes this time around (in case you didn't know I miscarried earlier this year after trying for about 2 years, read about it here) but I cannot help but be anxious until I see a doctor and he tells me all is good in there. 

My mind is going a million miles an hour, I wasn't obsessing this go around and actually almost put it on hold...well maybe not on hold but came to terms that what's meant to be will be and had it in my mind that NOW wasn't my time to be a (human) momma. I cannot believe how damn strong those positive lines were, does that mean high hormones? Jeez, I hope not I'm already too sensitive and emotional...oh my goodness poor Jack LMFAO!

Dear God, thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful partner.  We are the perfect balance; he's very calm and chill (which sometimes drives me crazy) while I'm outgoing and sassy. However; we both are warm, loving, and nurturing human beings who love family, friends, and children; we love hosting people in our home and showing them new things. While he knows how to handle me for the most part I ask you Lord to please watch over him and protect him from any of my potential wackiness...I'll need him to stick around, ha!

I honestly do not even know where to start: doctors, nutrition, fitness (I really want to attempt a fit pregnancy), names, a nursery, etc. In case you didn't get the memo I am a control freak yet we have decided not to find out the gender (we decided that a while back) because it doesn't matter to us, we just want a healthy baby and look forward to the surprise the day he/she is born. There are so many things going through my mind: nursery, names, baby shower, HOW THE HELL TO RAISE A DECENT HUMAN BEING!!! That right there is my biggest concern and focus, it is also my biggest fear; other than keeping this little being alive and healthy I have to ensure that he/she is a decent human being. 

As of now my symptoms are super minimal and really comparative to PMS (cramping, bloating, and tender boobies) with the exception of sleepiness, hot flashes, peeing nonstop, and constipation (I can't poop and it's pissing me off). I'm really looking forward to being pregnant (so far) and watching my body transform and perform the miracle of life. 

Ah I'm going to be a Mommy!

WEEK 4:

SEPTEMBER 15

Last night was rough man; I cried my little brown eyes dry...I woke in a similar fashion. Today, was my due date but instead of sitting here anxiously waiting the arrival of my baby I'm sitting here with insane cramps and emotions galore with my period. Back in January I found out the most amazing news of my life; "you're going to be a Mommy" after almost a year of trying with no success. I'll admit there were a ton of other emotions and questions that raced through my mind like "holy shit can we really do this?" but above all was excitement, gratitude, and pure joy. Prior to getting my blood tested by my doctor and getting that positive, I spent an insane amount of money on pregnancy test, ovulation test, apps etc trying to make our dreams come. I took 3 pregnancy test at work and they looked negative but when held to the light and tilted in the right angle there was the FAINTEST of blue lines so I called my doctor and rushed to his office after work only to find out he didn't accept my insurance anymore but I didn't care I paid in cash...I NEEDED ANSWERS. The nurse gave me a cup to tinkle in which was nearly impossible even though I couldn't stop going to the bathroom throughout the day but eventually I did and the doctor came in to tell me the result was negative. SIDE NOTE: That was the DAY OF my missed period but I just knew so being me I asked my doctor to take a blood test, he laughed at my persistence but agreed and told me my results would be ready in about 2 days. Again being the person I am I called his office the following morning to check on results...they weren't ready BUT I did get a call that evening from my good old doctor laughing yet again "Jacqueline, you were right...you're going to be a Mommy, congrats!" While I KNEW it I still couldn't BELIEVE it, like I said we had been trying for close to a year...tracking my ovulation on apps, with tests, having sex at the "right times", then facing the massive pain and disappoint monthly when my period would drop. Now that I had the news I was waiting for my excitement hit a million as I prepared myself to tell Jack; I couldn't wait!! I knew exactly how I wanted to do it (I had MONTHS to figure it out), I got a "Jack in the Box" (since we are both Jack/q) with little note "I LOVE YOU DADDY. LOVE BEBE. DUE 9/15/16". To avoid making myself and anyone reading this extra sad I won't post the video but let me tell you he couldn't believe it and his reaction was so freaking sweet, it was such a special moment. We shared the news with my mom, sister, and best friend because I needed females to talk to and they were all equally as happy; they knew our struggle and they knew our extreme love for children and starting a family of our own.

My many Pintrest boards now had a purpose and could finally come to life, ugh so freaking excited...I'm talking butterflies!! Now the hardest part was keeping it a secret from my friends ahhh I wanted to scream it to the freaking world "I'm going to be a Mommy". From the second I knew (not the doctor, me) I started documenting, making videos for the bebe so I continued doing that, also bringing my "Pregnancy Photos" Pintrest to life, and stalking my pregnancy apps to track the bebe. I had to find a new doctor since mine no longer took my insurance (bummer) and scheduled the 8 week appointment so we can get our first picture. The night before that appointment I experienced cramping but according to all sources that was completely normal (but my instincts told me otherwise), later on a had some spotting but again according to all the sources it was completely normal. Jack was doing extensive research and all the sources were telling us everything was totally normal and okay so we went to sleep; at 5amI woke up screaming because I fell myself bleeding and just knew! We rushed to the hospital where we spent 2-3 hours waiting until finally a doctor who just arrived for his shift came to my bedside with his coffee and told me I wasn't pregnant and just like that we both sat there and cried. In an attempt to console me the doctor said "It's okay, it's like you were never pregnant at all" clearly that didn't sit well with me; I was too numb and sad to respond but wtf dude we were two adults who wanted this we weren't sitting there like two HS kids praying it was a goof and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Jerk! That day was also the day of my 8 week check up and sonogram so I went because I was praying that the jerk of a doctor at the hospital was mixed up and made a mistake; but it was a no go...this time I found out with more compassion and got a little more information. I was told that I miscarried very hard, so hard that they didn't have to go in and scrape anything out, in hindsight I'm glad that it happened that way because I don't think I could have handled more.

We went home and I cried, cried, and cried...I was numb I couldn't believe it. Jack had to to be strong for me because I was down like really down I've never looked into what depression really is but I can only imagine I was suffering from some level of it...numb is the best word to describe my feeling. While I only told a handful of people I ended up telling my circle of friends eventually what happened it was bitter sweet. It was really hard at times too though; I got hit with "everything thing happens for a reason" A LOT and honestly I wanted to punch anyone and everyone who said that in the face, that is literally the LAST thing I wanted to hear and was in no emotional position to handle that! But at the end of the day I received the love and support I needed and how else would I get the support I needed if people didn't know. Also, everyone knew we were trying or if they didn't they wanted us to try because they saw our love for children so they would question us. Lastly, because I saw I wasn't alone...I was shocked at how many women and couples experienced what we just went through.

Well that's that! It's amazing how much better I'm feeling, I feel like I just got out of a therapy session...this is why I write. If you stumble upon this post THANK YOU for listening (by reading). If you've read this and you've experienced this, you're not alone! I'm sure I'll let a few more tears out along the way knowing what today was supposed to be, but 9 months later I have come to terms with "everything happens for a reason" and that "there is a plan in store for me". We'll keep trying and when the time finally comes we will cherish it that much more, in the mean time we will continue to enjoy our life together and smothering all the babies in our lives with lots of love.

Happy September 15th Bebe