excuse my absence the past few days i was an emotional wreck! i was packing up my apartment with no place to go which was super stressful, i was reminiscing on all the amazing memories i had in my apartment and i couldn't hold back tears saying goodbye, my mom found my condom stash in my closet while helping me pack (which was actually a gift so now my mom thinks i get laid when i don’t), i was scared thinking of the risk i'm taking now by just living life and working on creating the life i want for myself, the knicks and celtics series was dragging on to long, i felt alone even though i have an amazing support system, and i feel fat...i threw away 3 piles of jeans! i was just very overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and for like the 4th time in my life i just hated everyone! i screamed "your horn blows how about your wife" to the guy in the car behind me who honked his horn the second the light turned green...who does that? i am on the last white pill of my birth control pack which means i'm pmsing hard core so perhaps that's where the emotional breakdown came from! but regardless everything was just going wrong: not having my "fancy" corporate job in the "glamorous" world of fashion, moving back in with my mom, i broke the side view mirror off a zipcar i rented, i'm still missing a tooth, i have to pay for birth control out of pocket now that i don't have insurance but the worst feeling of all is not fitting into any of my jeans!!!!

to my defense i hit puberty late, like at 25 years old! see i literally woke up one morning this summer looked in the mirror and had an ass! no joke! my puerto rican genes decided they wanted to play a role in my life at the age of 25...not in the kitchen (i still can’t cook a puerto rican dish), not on the dance floor (the only puerto rican who can’t dance salsa over here), and definitely not in my spanish (unless it’s hello and how are you then i sound super legit) but in my ass and hips and thighs...thanks dad (he’s the puerto rican)! so what happens when your thighs, hips, and ass grow? your jeans shrink! they magically get smaller! these are my peak years i need to look hot not to mention summer is approaching and i refuse to wear a coverup all damn summer! my goal is to be able to sit down indian style in a bikini while drinking a beer without a gut (ok let me relax i can have a little roll but not a full blown donut around my waist). oh and i’m going to cali for the first time in two weeks where i’ll be kite boarding and perhaps giving surfing a shot which means i need to make something happen quick.

since i am no longer slaving in an office i have time to workout but the problem is i don’t know what to do in a gym other than run which bores the shit out of me and quite frankly when you have an ass running alone doesn’t do the trick. i thought about asking some of the guys at the gym for help but after they started making moaning and grunting noises every time i passed them by i opted out of that idea, i wanted to tighten up my ass not get pregnant. so then i felt it was time to bite the bullet and invest in a personal trainer after much research i said “fuck this”! do you know how expensive a personal trainer is?!? at least $100 a session, you need 12 a month, so that’s $1200 for 1 month of training and not even every day...for $1200 i better come out looking like a photo shopped kim kardashian on the cover of maxim or super bowl beyonce with a jay z of my own on the side! $1200 get the hell out of here, pass me the double bacon cheeseburger! ugh i can’t i need to be skinny so now wtf am i going to do...BOXING!

yup! i'm going j.lo on your asses! a legit boxing gym, not a pretty and cute kick boxing class with 15 other girls who wear their victoria's secret "pink" gym gear nope not anywhere close to that. i'm talking a small, hot, beyond stinky boxing gym where dudes go to train for real life boxing matches. i get my hands wrapped, wear ugly high boxing shoes, i get punched in the face and stomach (which i'm still not ok with), and sweat my ass off to the point that i am disgusting looking when i get out (like there is no chance for a cute "just got out the gym" picture) i'm going to go 5 days a week for the whole month of may and see if that does the trick if not it's shorts and a tshirt at the beach for me this year.

wish me luck! if anyone has any tips on how to shed some pounds and keep this new booty of mine up and cellulite away please let me know!

one pile of jeans that don't go above my hips

the battle begins! fat 1 - me 0

jump rope used to be a fun childhood game

jump rope is now the enemy. battle wounds.

take that fat! pow!

my just got out the gym pic. i really wonder how girls manage the cute "just got out the gym" pic

jacqueline solivan

i was having a conversation with one of my guy friends, he was telling me a majority of the girls he hooks up with turn out to be nut jobs so i made it my personal goal to figure out why! inspector freaking gadget over here (seriously, i’m good)! so we were chatting it up and i was asking a million and one questions about what he does to these girls, what kind of dates, how often does he call them, how does he treat them etc. after he broke it down for me i understood where the girls were coming from a bit. see the thing is my friend is a genuinely good guy and great person so he treats the girls he goes on dates with, with respect (unfortunately in today’s dating world respect isn’t that common) so these girls get treated with respect and assume the guy treating her with respect wants to marry her (that might be a light exaggeration but not too far off)! so while he’s just treating the girls the way any human deserves to be treated he is not in a place in his life where he wants a relationship so when it fades out the girls are so fucking confused. wait what it’s over but you opened doors for me, you put my coat on, you paid for my $8 sandwich at cosi (you already know there is a story behind that one, i’ll get to it another time), and you played sade while we hooked up

wait what?! he played sade while hooking up with girls he didn’t want a long term, serious relationship with!! these girls have every right to feel the way they do and act like nut jobs...he played sade! let me explain...

dear fellas,

the second any of those girls heard sade come on while hooking up (and when i say hooking up i mean sex) the assumption is you love them, they are just waiting for you to get down on one knee and propose because sade (intentionally played) is some serious "i love you" shit. i am so serious! i'm a music addict and some people would say i over analyze so with that being said it's fair to say i'm a certified music analyzer obviously! see as a female if i'm with a dude and he intentionally puts on john legend i'm going to assume he's in love with me because john legend is a grown man who sings about real grown man love. john legends songs translate to "boo i'm tired of running around with different ladies, we're both adults here i love you and want to spend forever with you my best friend and lover" so boys, if you intentionally play john legend or anyone in the john legend aka in love category know that the lady you are having sex with is going to make the safe assumption that you love her. here is what she is telling her girl friends after sexy time with sade in the background "omg girl it was amazing, the most perfect and magical night. we made love (yeah don't act surprise, playing that kind of music gets you into that mess) to sade" and her girls are going to reply "omg! he played sade?! omg! i didn't realize how serious you two were (neither did you buddy huh?!) so do you think he's the one?" yup it went there! do you see how serious your intentional music selection is? now if you don't want to mislead a lady and you want to make sure lust is not confused for love you need to make sure you pick an artist from the in lust category (see chart below) trey

songz aka "mister panty dropper" aka "mister steal your girl" (even his name screams lust) is in the in lust category. trey songz is who you throw on your speakers (if you are playing music during sexy time) with a girl you're just fooling around with and don't want to take too serious. why trey songz and not john legend? because trey songz still has that soft and sexy voice but his words scream "in the moment" romance aka a one night stand; opposed to john legends long term, lifetime romance aka this is forever! trey songz = "i want you only for tonight" john legend = "i want you forever" so while trey songz will still set the mood he is saying (in a very sweet voice) "baby girl tonight i'm all yours but after tonight i'll holler"

warning: please note that this is just general and opinionated information like my title says this is "not a self help blog" so ladies if your partner of many years is playing trey songz for you do not break up with him on behalf i will not be held responsible for any failed relationships

comment below with artist and/or songs and label what group they fall into and i will compile the master

"sound of love" guide

shit! this is one of my favorite marilyn monroe quotes too, oh well! don't play john legend for me and i won't go crazy!

sade even makes samantha fall in love, shit's serious!

jacqueline solivan