f*ck you cellulite

excuse my absence the past few days i was an emotional wreck! i was packing up my apartment with no place to go which was super stressful, i was reminiscing on all the amazing memories i had in my apartment and i couldn't hold back tears saying goodbye, my mom found my condom stash in my closet while helping me pack (which was actually a gift so now my mom thinks i get laid when i don’t), i was scared thinking of the risk i'm taking now by just living life and working on creating the life i want for myself, the knicks and celtics series was dragging on to long, i felt alone even though i have an amazing support system, and i feel fat...i threw away 3 piles of jeans! i was just very overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and for like the 4th time in my life i just hated everyone! i screamed "your horn blows how about your wife" to the guy in the car behind me who honked his horn the second the light turned green...who does that? i am on the last white pill of my birth control pack which means i'm pmsing hard core so perhaps that's where the emotional breakdown came from! but regardless everything was just going wrong: not having my "fancy" corporate job in the "glamorous" world of fashion, moving back in with my mom, i broke the side view mirror off a zipcar i rented, i'm still missing a tooth,  i have to pay for birth control out of pocket now that i don't have insurance but the worst feeling of all is not fitting into any of my jeans!!!!

to my defense i hit puberty late, like at 25 years old! see i literally woke up one morning this summer looked in the mirror and had an ass! no joke! my puerto rican genes decided they wanted to play a role in my life at the age of 25...not in the kitchen (i still can’t cook a puerto rican dish), not on the dance floor (the only puerto rican who can’t dance salsa over here), and definitely not in my spanish (unless it’s hello and how are you then i sound super legit) but in my ass and hips and thighs...thanks dad (he’s the puerto rican)! so what happens when your thighs, hips, and ass grow? your jeans shrink! they magically get smaller! these are my peak years i need to look hot not to mention summer is approaching and i refuse to wear a coverup all damn summer! my goal is to be able to sit down indian style in a bikini while drinking a beer without a gut (ok let me relax i can have a little roll but not a full blown donut around my waist). oh and i’m going to cali for the first time in two weeks where i’ll be kite boarding and perhaps giving surfing a shot which means i need to make something happen quick

since i am no longer slaving in an office i have time to workout but the problem is i don’t know what to do in a gym other than run which bores the shit out of me and quite frankly when you have an ass running alone doesn’t do the trick. i thought about asking some of the guys at the gym for help but after they started making moaning and grunting noises every time i passed them by i opted out of that idea, i wanted to tighten up my ass not get pregnant. so then i felt it was time to bite the bullet and invest in a personal trainer after much research i said “fuck this”! do you know how expensive a personal trainer is?!? at least $100 a session, you need 12 a month, so that’s $1200 for 1 month of training and not even every day...for $1200 i better come out looking like a photo shopped kim kardashian on the cover of maxim or super bowl beyonce with a jay z of my own on the side! $1200 get the hell out of here, pass me the double bacon cheeseburger! ugh i can’t i need to be skinny so now wtf am i going to do...BOXING! 

yup! i'm going j.lo on your asses! a legit boxing gym, not a pretty and cute kick boxing class with 15 other girls who wear their victoria's secret "pink" gym gear nope not anywhere close to that. i'm talking a small, hot, beyond stinky boxing gym where dudes go to train for real life boxing matches. i get my hands wrapped, wear ugly high boxing shoes, i get punched in the face and stomach (which i'm still not ok with), and sweat my ass off to the point that i am disgusting looking when i get out (like there is no chance for a cute "just got out the gym" picture) i'm going to go 5 days a week for the whole month of may and see if that does the trick if not it's shorts and a tshirt at the beach for me this year. 

wish me luck! if anyone has any tips on how to shed some pounds and keep this new booty of mine up and cellulite away please let me know! 

one pile of jeans that don't go above my hips
the battle begins! fat 1 - me 0
jump rope used to be a fun childhood game
jump rope is now the enemy. battle wounds.
take that fat! pow!
my just got out the gym pic. i really wonder how girls manage the cute "just got out the gym" pic

jacqueline solivan