emoji fail

i have a serious bone to pick! i'm not sure if i should be picking the bone with the men out there (not all men i know this, trust me) or with women who make men think their behavior is acceptable. me and my girlfriends talk about this all the time: the assholes out there make it hard for the good guys and the no standard girls make it hard for the girls with self worth. i really feel like men in nyc have it so easy when it comes to dating, i can't even call it courting because that is damn near nonexistent. men have a shit load of women to choose from and sadly a lot of the women in nyc don't have standards and they settle for asshole behavior which makes the men feel like it's acceptable and they carry it over to the next lady and if the next lady does have standards and respect for herself she's considered a crazy bitch. 

but seriously:

because i don't want to bang you after one date i'm a prude? 

because i'm not okay with you calling me to "hang out" after you're drunk in da club? 

because i think it's super sketchy that you are on the phone every second we're together yet take 4 hours to reply to my text all the time? 

because i don't believe the girl you're "in a relationship" with on facebook is your "cousin" but you put that up there because she wanted to make some dude jealous; not okay any way you look at it?

because i think you smacking another girls ass is disrespectful rather than "just a joke"?

because i'm not going to drop the plans i have to go to your house and watch a movie because your friends bailed on you?

because if we had plans for 7pm and i don't hear from you until 9am the next i tell you to fuck off?

because i think the little things matter?

because i want you to ask me how my day was?

because i think it would be amazing for you to tell me to pack my bags you've got a weekend planned for us to just get away from the city?

because i won't cook for you after a week of dating when all i make for myself is coffee and bowls of cereal?

it's like these men either just don't give a shit, are dumb as rocks, or think doing something nice for a deserving girl is going to make her feel like they're getting married. relax dude it's not that serious! do i look like i'm ready to get married yet?? i can't even stick to a bikini time diet let alone a wedding dress diet, that's like 100 times more intense! first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage...baby carriage oh hell no i'm not ready for stretch marks hell no!!! so chill out boys, it's okay to play nice, it actually works to your advantage. ugh it's so frustrating!! 

dudes in nyc don't even have to be creative it's become acceptable for every date to consist of "let's grab drinks after work" that's great every once in a while but come on put in some work dude! shit throw a movie in there, pick up a calendar of free events in nyc, buy a can of beer throw it in a paper bag and sit by the water hoping the cops don't catch us...something different!

then there is freaking technology...piss me off! nobody knows how to pick up the damn phone and have a conversation, make plans, or just say hi to hear the other person's voice...nope! text message all the way. don't get me wrong i love text, i think it's a great to keep in touch for little pieces of life information but the value of a phone call is priceless! 

okay now to why i really started this rant...

because i'm a crazy b for thinking after 4 months of dating exclusively that come valentine's day you'd send me flowers to the office opposed via text? 

confused? please see below, an actual text message from the guy i was seeing for 4 months on valentine's day....

emoji roses are never okay

the end.

ox 

jacqueline solivan

the sound of love

i was having a conversation with one of my guy friends, he was telling me a majority of the girls he hooks up with turn out to be nut jobs so i made it my personal goal to figure out why! inspector freaking gadget over here (seriously, i’m good)! so we were chatting it up and i was asking a million and one questions about what he does to these girls, what kind of dates, how often does he call them, how does he treat them etc. after he broke it down for me i understood where the girls were coming from a bit. see the thing is my friend is a genuinely good guy and great person so he treats the girls he goes on dates with, with respect (unfortunately in today’s dating world respect isn’t that common) so these girls get treated with respect and assume the guy treating her with respect wants to marry her (that might be a light exaggeration but not too far off)! so while he’s just treating the girls the way any human deserves to be treated he is not in a place in his life where he wants a relationship so when it fades out the girls are so fucking confused. wait what it’s over but you opened doors for me, you put my coat on, you paid for my $8 sandwich at cosi (you already know there is a story behind that one, i’ll get to it another time), and you played sade while we hooked up 

wait what?! he played sade while hooking up with girls he didn’t want a long term, serious relationship with!! these girls have every right to feel the way they do and act like nut jobs...he played sade! let me explain...

dear fellas,

the second any of those girls heard sade come on while hooking up (and when i say hooking up i mean sex) the assumption is you love them, they are just waiting for you to get down on one knee and propose because sade (intentionally played) is some serious "i love you" shit. i am so serious! i'm a music addict and some people would say i over analyze so with that being said it's fair to say i'm a certified music analyzer obviously! see as a female if i'm with a dude and he intentionally puts on john legend i'm going to assume he's in love with me because john legend is a grown man who sings about real grown man love. john legends songs translate to "boo i'm tired of running around with different ladies, we're both adults here i love you and want to spend forever with you my best friend and lover" so boys, if you intentionally play john legend or anyone in the john legend aka in love category know that the lady you are having sex with is going to make the safe assumption that you love her. here is what she is telling her girl friends after sexy time with sade in the background "omg girl it was amazing, the most perfect and magical night. we made love (yeah don't act surprise, playing that kind of music gets you into that mess) to sade" and her girls are going to reply "omg! he played sade?! omg! i didn't realize how serious you two were (neither did you buddy huh?!) so do you think he's the one?" yup it went there! do you see how serious your intentional music selection is? now if you don't want to mislead a lady and you want to make sure lust is not confused for love you need to make sure you pick an artist from the in lust category (see chart below)  trey 

songz aka "mister panty dropper" aka "mister steal your girl" (even his name screams lust) is in the in lust category. trey songz is who you throw on your speakers (if you are playing music during sexy time) with a girl you're just fooling around with and don't want to take too serious. why trey songz and not john legend? because trey songz still has that soft and sexy voice but his words scream "in the moment" romance aka a one night stand; opposed to john legends long term, lifetime romance aka this is forever! trey songz = "i want you only for tonight" john legend = "i want you forever" so while trey songz will still set the mood he is saying (in a very sweet voice) "baby girl tonight i'm all yours but after tonight i'll holler" 

 warning: please note that this is just general and opinionated information like my title says this is "not a self help blog" so ladies if your partner of many years is playing trey songz for you do not break up with him on behalf i will not be held responsible for any failed relationships

comment below with artist and/or songs and label what group they fall into and i will compile the master  "sound of love" guide

shit! this is one of my favorite marilyn monroe quotes too, oh well! don't play john legend for me and i won't go crazy!

sade even makes samantha fall in love, shit's serious!

ox 

jacqueline solivan

packing with no place to go

so i'm sitting at my dining room table in my apartment that i am absolutely in love with and that is absolutely way more than i can afford but whatever i make it work!

how to "make it work" in an apartment you cannot afford: 

1. no cable - for me this was easy because i don't watch tv other than basketball. i wasn't always not into tv but once you don't have it saying that becomes much easier, mainly because you have no choice.  plus saying  "i don't have cable because i don't watch tv" makes me feel super sophisticated and adult like rather than "i don't have cable because if i did i wouldn't have a roof over my head to watch it because i can't afford both" right? and in all honesty not having cable was really not that bad! plus there is always netflix...well not always because the next tip...

2. no internet - internet and cable pretty much come hand in hand and when you take away cable the damn company tells you for just $10 more a month you can have cable and the internet and it becomes this whole back and forth battle and then you remember "what good is internet if i don't have an apartment". i wish that not having lights was an option because who needs lights during the day and at night there are candles (so romantic even if you're single and alone every fucking night) and then you sleep the rest of the time. but unfortunately with lights comes power and well i'm not giving up my curling iron; i'm no premadonna, but my hair is all i got going, i'm missing a tooth (i'll explain later) and i have no clue how to use makeup (thanks mom)! but don't worry there are ways around it, you know that neighbor that has "linksys" network with no password...yeah make sure you say "thank you neighbor" :)

3. go on dates - now this one can easily back fire unfortunately (i will get into that another time) so choose wisely!

okay now is "another time" because i have to vent: i'm the farthest thing from a gold digger; trust me that's probably why i'm broke i always pull out my damn wallet and rarely does my hand get smacked away therefore i pay...sorry sorry like i said i'll talk about that another day.

okay but really dates can be a great help! dates usually consist of a meal and activity, use that meal ticket! groceries are costly and when spending so much money on rent sometimes you can't always afford that grocery store trip. so while a few missed meals is great for that early morning flat ab (you know what i'm talking about, when you wake up in the morning after a night of not eating dinner and you look at yourself in the mirror and your gut is significantly smaller and you just want to parade around in a bikini and say "look at me and my flat stomach" but then the second you look at food it's right back to normal...well yeah that!) a girls gotta eat! which brings me to the next how to make it work tip...

4. cereal and lactose milk -
don't judge me quite yet hear me out first! cereal is the cheapest, yummiest, and at times healthiest meal you can have in the house! one box of cereal can last at least a week (and that's having it every single day for at least 2 meals a day) think about it a box of cereal is about $4 (get special k it's a $4 diet in a box, "guaranteed to drop a jean size in 2 weeks" hello that's awesome, i couldn't get that starving myself and working out 3 times a day. now for the milk...lactose milk is the way to go! lactose milk has like double the life than regular milk so you really get your money's worth so that's another let's say $4, i can't even tell you how many gallons of milk i've thrown out because they expired before i met lactose milk. i have my ex to thank for my lactose milk discovery at least i have something to thank him for; he made me lactose intolerant! like he was lactose intolerant and when we broke up he left me with that shit...he didn't leave me with a puppy, or a the car, or an apartment nope he left me lactose intolerant...he took dairy away from me...bastard. i know people say its not contagious but seriously it kind of is think about girls; when they spend a lot of time with each other they start pmsing and getting their period at the same time their bodies adjust to one another soooo the same thing applies here. i spent so much time with his lactose intolerant ass that when we broke up i was left with that shit! but i'm thankful because now i know about lactose milk and i can make it work in a sick apartment because of the money i'm saving on my cereal and lactose milk diet.

5. workout dvds - gyms in nyc run you for a good $80 a month, which equals like $20/hr because let's be honest people (and by people i mean me) only go like once a week and get a real good  run in that gets them super pumped for the rest of the week but then an awesome happy hour opportunity arises and we (and by we i mean me) forget all about that motivation. so, when it came time to cutting expenses to "make it work" with my lovely apartment the gym was the first thing to go! but i couldn't not workout at all so i spent $9.99 on itunes for the jilian michaels "30 day shred" video and the one time that i did it for like 10 days straight i started to feel pretty sexy (granted it was winter and i was wearing support control tights, but regardless i felt great)! then, one night (well morning 4am) while in my hotel room in colorado during a work trip i woke up to an infomercial for the malibu pilate machine (they were doing pilates on a pool on the beach overlooking mountains in bikinis with amazing tans and no rolls...dirty play!) so i called in and bought it! the one 30 minute workout i did was awesome, 10 months later i've yet to open the other 3 dvds but whatever. my latest craze is my hula hoop omg i'm so good at it! i throw on some beyonce and hula hoop my butt away, that was fun i think i did it twice. so you see why waste money at the gym, i'll have nothing to show for so instead invest in something to show for: an at home gym! it's less than a real gym, makes for great instagram pictures, they're awesome conversation pieces, and i'm convinced my pilates machine can easily double for something that will enhance my life in some sense one day god willingly.

oh i almost forgot why i was actually writing this piece "packing with no place to go" i'm literally packing up my apartment because my lease is up in 6 days and i don't have a place to move to yet. freaking credit score is killing me, i cant get approved for a damn apartment. but what's really killing me is that i'm trying to move to an urban area where the rent will be a fraction of what i pay now so i can potentially have cable, internet, not have to go on awful dates, eat breakfast for breakfast only, and well the at home gym stays because i own a freaking pilates machine now but i can't because my credit isn't good enough. so cool the guy in the apartment next to the one i want is a drug dealer but has good credit so he's good. bullshit! 

share your "how to make it work" tips with me!

my happy place. check out that classy decor: blow pop wine stopper and vokda filled wine racks

so in love with my view of nyc (the bronx is considered nyc so shh)! <3

at home gym: pilates, hula hoop, and 30 day shred dvd...golden!

ox 

jacqueline solivan