this is why you gotta break bread!

ahhh one of my favorite things to do is talk to my girlfriends about dates! there is almost always a great story behind every date (if you're able to laugh at yourself). i literally have a notebook full of my dating stories an actual school size spiral notebook, which i plan on turning into a book. last night one of my best friends sent me a text "went on a date with a doofo...he truly split the bill 😡😡😡😡" dun dun dun (that was supposed to be the sound from an old school scary movie when they find someone dead...work with me here). the great debate: who pays the first date (ha that's like poetry, get it? it ryhmed...a poem...moving on)

so really who is "supposed" to pay for the first date? when i asked this question to my readers this morning my phone was blowing up with responses from facebook and twitter, it was a war!

i got a mix of responses:
"i always pay but i do observe whether they even look at their purse or consider tipping" - a 28 year old single man who makes me proud to be his cousin

"i definitely think the guy should pick up the bill on the first date" - a 29 year old single male

"it depends who asked who out. if he asked he should pay, if the girl asked she should pay" - a 25 year old married woman

"i will pay as the man but if she makes the attempt she will be remembered forever" - a 26 year old single man

"a man should always pay on the first date especially if the dude is interested in the female romantically, if a woman pays its not a date it's two friends getting together. if a dude can't afford to take a girl out on a first date then he shouldn't be dating" - a very very wise woman if you ask me!

"dutch dutch dutch! a first date is a trial run...why does the guy always have to break bread?" - a single man for a very obvious reason if you ask me! (fuck! that's going to get me in trouble!)

"i had a conversation with 3 female friends about this recently. they said they would want to go dutch. i asked them would the dude lose points if he didn't insist on paying for it, they said no. i told all 3 of them they were full of shit." - a very wise man! 

"the only dutch i'm familiar with comes from the neterlands"-  my brutally honest and clearly hilarious engaged female bff

"guy should pay"- a married mother of 3

"some women are very independent and like paying their half. other men are traditional and pay for everything. in some cases a person can take it as rude if you do not allow them to pay. then again, you may not want a person to pay because you may think you send the wrong signal" - .... confused 

"in all honesty, a girl shouldn't have to pay the first couple of dates! once you're a "couple" then it should be 50/50" - a bride to be 

"on a first date definitely the guy...but ladies please please please don't leave your house without money...because at the end of the day you don't really know this guy and he might be expecting you to go dutch" -  a taken lady with some pretty solid words of wisdom

"here's the thing. for all the guys that say it should be dutch on the first date...i wonder how many times a first date has turned into a second date"

bam! stopping right there! she told you!!

i love my readers! so involved! so passionate! and so funny (most of the times unintentionally, my favorite)! the war was intense this morning, the heat was on! the last response i got really hit me (hence the bold bam up there!) but seriously if a guy lets a girl pay on the first date how often does it turn into a second date? and if i does turn into a second date i really believe that regardless of how amazing the date was it is going to stay in the back of the girl's mind (because gentlemen we forget nothing, remember that...how's that for irony). regardless how independent, successful, strong, and stubborn a woman is she wants a gentleman!

being a gentleman does not mean being a sugar daddy or make you a walking atm, remember i am just referring to the first date. and if as a man you are truly interested in a woman and wanting to court her with the potential of her being your lady than i personally believe there should be no questions asked about the first date bill...it's yours! "but she asked me out" wah wah cry me a river, lucky you that this amazing woman asked you out "how do you know she's amazing" either she's amazing or your stupid for taking a less than amazing woman out...bam! this is coming from an extremely independent, self sufficient, and able woman. i don't need a man to pay for me, i can obviously go out and pay for my own meal but it's the principle.

i spent years literally fighting guys that i would go out with for the bill; i never wanted them to think i was a gold digger and that i needed them or that i was using them. but now that i am secure, comfortable, and know exactly who i am that fear is gone (amen, hallelujah). 

if i could give men one piece of advice it would be don't even let her notice the bill came and went, that is the worst, the awkward fight for the bill. grab the bill, quickly review, insert card (so have it readily accessible), and give it right back to the server! don't make it an episode just do it, it is honestly such a freaking turn on dude! if you liked her enough to even go out on a legit date just take the bill. 

"what if she's using me, what if she's a gold digger" first off, if she's a gold digger trust me she's after much more than a damn meal and the red flags for that will smack you in the face. second, using you for what dude? do you know how many guys use girls "i took that chick out to a nice ass restaurant and she ain't even kiss me" oh well! are you taking her out for a piece of ass or because you want to get to know her? if it's for ass then well buddy you deserve to be used! 

"but i'm not made of cash i'm on a tight budget" ok so then i would say taking her out to a five star restaurant and ordering two bottles of wine is a terrible idea. who says you have to drop a lot of money to make it a good date, that's absolutely ridiculous and if you're dealing with a woman who feels that way...run! (that's the red flag smacking you in the face) don't take her on a first date you can't afford dude, that's not fair to anyone. one, your poor bank account and two, her. not her because she's not getting the five star restaurant but because she's not getting the real you. dude it's ok to not be rich, think outside the box and come up with an awesome first date that doesn't break the bank (let me introduce you to the world of groupon a world where amazingly cool activities are extremely affordable and make you the man...bam, don't say i never did anything for you!) "well i can't afford that either" well guess what sunshine your ass is in no position to be dating anyone right now! focus on yourself, your life, career, etc...sorry but i'm only being honest.

at the end of the day if you're debating this topic then guess what you're not ready for a serious relationship, a real woman. so keep going dutch on the first date and come back to me and let me know how many of those turned into second dates...

he likes me he really likes me!

disclaimer: i cannot stop laughing reading some of the responses i received for this post!

me and one of my girlfriends were chatting it up and we found ourselves on the topic of boys, obviously! boys are dumb but sometimes us ladies can be so darn silly i tell ya! i think that we get so caught up with being in love or having a guy in our lives (even if we know he's bad news) that we lose our common sense and standards and start mistaken the craziest things for love.

i recently asked the question "how can you tell if a guy likes you", here's what i got:

• "he liked my picture on instagram" 
• "he works full time and still finds time to reach out to me during the day" 
• "he opens up to me and has made himself vulnerable" 
• "he buys me things" 
• "he kissed me during sex" 
• "he's creative with dates. it's not always dinner and a movie" 
• "we actually go out, we are not always in the apartment" 
• "he introduces me to family and friends" 
• "he doesn't tell anyone about me because he's very private and wants to keep me to himself" 
• "invites me over for sleepovers even when i have my period" 
• "he listens to everything i say and surprises me later. example i said i wanted to learn how to dance salsa a week later i found myself in the park with him taking salsa lessons"
• "he comes over every weekend to spend time with me and sleep over after he's done partying" 
• "he tells all his friends how good i am in bed" 
• "he has me in his phone as "aunt sally" because that was his favorite aunt and he says i'm his favorite person" 
• "he doesn't plan any dates for us because he likes being sponataneous" 
• "we're not friends on social networks because it's our place to have "alone time" "
• "he tells me babe you've gained a few pounds" 
• "he always stands on the street side when we are walking" 
• "he's willing to try my crazy adventures" 
• "he has seen me without makeup and still stays with me"
• "he told me i was one of the most beautiful people he's ever made out with" 
• "we make out every single place we go in front of anybody he's not afraid to grab my ass not even in front of my mother" 
• "he's super honest with me he even shows me x rated videos of him and his ex, we have no secrets"
• "i'm always his drunk dial" 
• "he let's me keep my toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, and lotion in his bathroom" 
• "we go to church together" 
• "he says i give the best oral sex he's ever had" 

thanks for the laugh ladies! i sure do most of these were meant for me to laugh and not real thoughts!

"i didn't sleep with her"

have you ever been cheated on? i'm trying to figure out why it's so common...is it acceptable right now, like pre marriage? is it considered a "part of life"? is it the path that is taken before you find "the one"? i really don't know, i just don't get it.

i was cheated on once (which i tend to be in denial about), and it was one of the worst feelings ever. while i'm over that relationship at this point i can still feel the knot in my stomach when i think about it. i didn't yell, curse, cry, or swing when i found out...i was just numb. the betrayal! why? how? when? to this day my ex will tell me that he didn't cheat...so how is it that we have two completely different views on the same event?? "i didn't sleep with her"

see what i found out was my boyfriend was "skyping" with his "friend" (a female) and that he invited  to stay at his apartment during a trip to nyc and there were "sweetie and xo" text messages...in my eyes that is cheating:
- as the girlfriend of several years i knew all of his friends and she was not one of them
- i didn't even know homeboy had skype
- no female friend that i don't know should be called "sweetie"
- inviting a female friend that i don't know to stay in your apartment with you? ha! the only way that would go down is if it was a slumber party and i was there too...but nope i wasn't even made aware of it

many people may argue if it was cheating or not because like my ex said they didn't sleep together! but i don't give a shit! cheating to me is the act of not being loyal and that my friend is not loyal! Steph Anita says, "cheating is anything done that if your partner were to out would hurt them". Well, that hurt me so cheating it is!

i sparked the question "what's considered cheating?",  and got some pretty passionate responses from men and women both single and relationships. some answers shocked me while others were totally relatable. here's what people had to say:

 it's the thought that counts

"much like when in rehab or AA they say you dont relapse at the point in which you drink, smoke etc.. but that actual relapse (cheating in this case), occurs when you first start thinking about it. it's mental first, always..." says Vic Varanian (a married man). so is there a such thing as harmless flirting? some people will tell you flirting is healthy, others...not so much! while flirting might not be considered cheating it's fair to say most affairs stemmed from "innocent flirting". or what about giving someone else your time...if you have a friend that you know would or has the desire to be with you in a capacity more than friendship is it fair to be spending time with that person? yahira vargas considers the above cheating! why? "physical contact with someone other than your partner doesn't just fall from the sky. it normally starts with giving someone who isn't your partner time. the time and flirting will almost always lead to physical cheating!" one response i received was from maria who simply stated "anything that evolves from innocent flirting".

what they don't know can't hurt you

so let's say you "innocently flirt" with someone...are you deleting those text messages so your partner doesn't see? why delete if it's innocent? or you have a 100% platonic friend who sends you wild messages because that's just the relationship you have...do you delete those? again why? a lot of people wrote to me on the topic of deleting text messages.  fatima teos wrote, "if you find yourself deleting messages so your partner won't see, you're well on your way to cheating". while a good friend of mine who is engaged feels like deleting text is sometimes necessary to simply avoid an unnecessary issue. "just because you delete a text conversation doesn't mean you're cheating. what if you just haven't told your partner about a completely platonic male friend yet?" another friend of mine lily reyes says "you could be open but some guys/girls might not understand the way you might joke with a friend, so to avoid a possible argument just delete".  see, i just don't look at it that way. you shouldn't have to hide anything, if you're honest with your partner that should be it. friendships should be honored and respected as should your relationship.  perhaps you shouldn't be with someone who you can't be 100% honest with...just a thought. hiding and lying is just too much work and is not a piece of the healthy relationship recipe.  but on the flip side if you are deleting messages from someone because they are inappropriate and you know that they are not those that you should be receiving while in a relationship you need to address the issue with the sender and make them aware of your relationship and how that is not okay. even with that i would tell my partner, maybe i'm too honest....

we didn't have sex

the biggest debate of all "physical vs emotional"! if it's not physical is it still cheating? is an emotional affair worse than a physical? almost every single person that gave me their opinion on cheating said emotional was worse than physical and i must say i agree 4000%! obviously sleeping with someone or "hooking up" (lord knows what that even means) is disgusting and dead wrong when you are in a relationship with someone else but there is something about an emotional affair that hits harder it just seems to me that an emotional affair means more. what do i mean by that? well unfortunately meaningless sex does exist (but it still counts!) but an emotional relationship comes from the heart and takes time that you willingly put in. you can't fake an up all night phone call, or fake the smile that you can't wipe every time you're around or even see that person's name on your phone, you can't fake wanting to run to that person and tell them every detail of your day and text them every thought that runs through your mind...nope you can't fake that! that comes from the heart! that takes time! that's time that you should be spending with your partner but instead sharing and growing with someone else. you are allowing someone else into a place that is reserved solely for your partner and a place that your partner has reserved solely for you. it's a place that only has room for one...or not?

in love with two people

does that spot in your heart really only have room for one? or are humans not built to love just one person? some believe that humans weren't created to be monogamous, that is in our nature to connect, become attached and love more than one person. okay so it's not "in our blood" or in our make up but as humans we have morals and values and we have to ability to make choices. with that we have the ability to make the decision to be with one person. so let's say you're in a relationship: you've been with your partner for 5+ years, you love them, you live together, you share everything, they're the person you are going to marry one day. now you meet someone else: a super cool person who is just so awesome to talk to (at this point you're like omg i just found the coolest new buddy something completely platonic) and you start chatting daily, then it turns into all day, then you realize wow this person is really amazing and you feel connected, now let's say you finally hang out and shit you realize "wow this person is so easy to look at!" so now you're physically attracted to this person you are completely connected to on an emotional level...you now find yourself fallen for two people. is that possible? is the second person just lust, a little spice in your life because you've become so comfortable with your partner?? or are you really not in love with your partner if you were able to fall for someone else?? i believe that if you really are in love you have tunnel vision and falling for someone else isn't an option. that if you really loved someone you wouldn't and couldn't fall for someone else. but that's just me, what do i know?!

in the end it's all about respect. not everyone we meet and date will be "the one" but when you are with someone respect them. if you're with someone and you have the desire to be with someone else have enough respect for that person and call it quits, yeah they might be hurt but trust me they'll be a lot more hurt if you betray them, lie to them, and drag them on this journey where they have eyes only for you and you have your eyes, ears, and hands on them and someone else...not cool! just be honest, yes the truth tends to hurt from time to time but at the end of the day people have to respect the truth and you for telling it! if you're not ready to commit to one person then don't, that's okay! and if you're in a committed relationship and realize it's not for you or someone else sparked your interest, that's okay too it's life...but again be honest!

love respect and honesty goes a long way!