Last night was rough man; I cried my little brown eyes dry...I woke in a similar fashion. Today, was my due date but instead of sitting here anxiously waiting the arrival of my baby I'm sitting here with insane cramps and emotions galore with my period. Back in January I found out the most amazing news of my life; "you're going to be a Mommy" after almost a year of trying with no success. I'll admit there were a ton of other emotions and questions that raced through my mind like "holy shit can we really do this?" but above all was excitement, gratitude, and pure joy. Prior to getting my blood tested by my doctor and getting that positive, I spent an insane amount of money on pregnancy test, ovulation test, apps etc trying to make our dreams come. I took 3 pregnancy test at work and they looked negative but when held to the light and tilted in the right angle there was the FAINTEST of blue lines so I called my doctor and rushed to his office after work only to find out he didn't accept my insurance anymore but I didn't care I paid in cash...I NEEDED ANSWERS. The nurse gave me a cup to tinkle in which was nearly impossible even though I couldn't stop going to the bathroom throughout the day but eventually I did and the doctor came in to tell me the result was negative. SIDE NOTE: That was the DAY OF my missed period but I just knew so being me I asked my doctor to take a blood test, he laughed at my persistence but agreed and told me my results would be ready in about 2 days. Again being the person I am I called his office the following morning to check on results...they weren't ready BUT I did get a call that evening from my good old doctor laughing yet again "Jacqueline, you were right...you're going to be a Mommy, congrats!" While I KNEW it I still couldn't BELIEVE it, like I said we had been trying for close to a year...tracking my ovulation on apps, with tests, having sex at the "right times", then facing the massive pain and disappoint monthly when my period would drop. Now that I had the news I was waiting for my excitement hit a million as I prepared myself to tell Jack; I couldn't wait!! I knew exactly how I wanted to do it (I had MONTHS to figure it out), I got a "Jack in the Box" (since we are both Jack/q) with little note "I LOVE YOU DADDY. LOVE BEBE. DUE 9/15/16". To avoid making myself and anyone reading this extra sad I won't post the video but let me tell you he couldn't believe it and his reaction was so freaking sweet, it was such a special moment. We shared the news with my mom, sister, and best friend because I needed females to talk to and they were all equally as happy; they knew our struggle and they knew our extreme love for children and starting a family of our own.
My many Pintrest boards now had a purpose and could finally come to life, ugh so freaking excited...I'm talking butterflies!! Now the hardest part was keeping it a secret from my friends ahhh I wanted to scream it to the freaking world "I'm going to be a Mommy". From the second I knew (not the doctor, me) I started documenting, making videos for the bebe so I continued doing that, also bringing my "Pregnancy Photos" Pintrest to life, and stalking my pregnancy apps to track the bebe. I had to find a new doctor since mine no longer took my insurance (bummer) and scheduled the 8 week appointment so we can get our first picture. The night before that appointment I experienced cramping but according to all sources that was completely normal (but my instincts told me otherwise), later on a had some spotting but again according to all the sources it was completely normal. Jack was doing extensive research and all the sources were telling us everything was totally normal and okay so we went to sleep; at 5amI woke up screaming because I fell myself bleeding and just knew! We rushed to the hospital where we spent 2-3 hours waiting until finally a doctor who just arrived for his shift came to my bedside with his coffee and told me I wasn't pregnant and just like that we both sat there and cried. In an attempt to console me the doctor said "It's okay, it's like you were never pregnant at all" clearly that didn't sit well with me; I was too numb and sad to respond but wtf dude we were two adults who wanted this we weren't sitting there like two HS kids praying it was a goof and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Jerk! That day was also the day of my 8 week check up and sonogram so I went because I was praying that the jerk of a doctor at the hospital was mixed up and made a mistake; but it was a no go...this time I found out with more compassion and got a little more information. I was told that I miscarried very hard, so hard that they didn't have to go in and scrape anything out, in hindsight I'm glad that it happened that way because I don't think I could have handled more.
We went home and I cried, cried, and cried...I was numb I couldn't believe it. Jack had to to be strong for me because I was down like really down I've never looked into what depression really is but I can only imagine I was suffering from some level of it...numb is the best word to describe my feeling. While I only told a handful of people I ended up telling my circle of friends eventually what happened it was bitter sweet. It was really hard at times too though; I got hit with "everything thing happens for a reason" A LOT and honestly I wanted to punch anyone and everyone who said that in the face, that is literally the LAST thing I wanted to hear and was in no emotional position to handle that! But at the end of the day I received the love and support I needed and how else would I get the support I needed if people didn't know. Also, everyone knew we were trying or if they didn't they wanted us to try because they saw our love for children so they would question us. Lastly, because I saw I wasn't alone...I was shocked at how many women and couples experienced what we just went through.
Well that's that! It's amazing how much better I'm feeling, I feel like I just got out of a therapy session...this is why I write. If you stumble upon this post THANK YOU for listening (by reading). If you've read this and you've experienced this, you're not alone! I'm sure I'll let a few more tears out along the way knowing what today was supposed to be, but 9 months later I have come to terms with "everything happens for a reason" and that "there is a plan in store for me". We'll keep trying and when the time finally comes we will cherish it that much more, in the mean time we will continue to enjoy our life together and smothering all the babies in our lives with lots of love.
Happy September 15th Bebe