SEPTEMBER 15

Last night was rough man; I cried my little brown eyes dry...I woke in a similar fashion. Today, was my due date but instead of sitting here anxiously waiting the arrival of my baby I'm sitting here with insane cramps and emotions galore with my period. Back in January I found out the most amazing news of my life; "you're going to be a Mommy" after almost a year of trying with no success. I'll admit there were a ton of other emotions and questions that raced through my mind like "holy shit can we really do this?" but above all was excitement, gratitude, and pure joy. Prior to getting my blood tested by my doctor and getting that positive, I spent an insane amount of money on pregnancy test, ovulation test, apps etc trying to make our dreams come. I took 3 pregnancy test at work and they looked negative but when held to the light and tilted in the right angle there was the FAINTEST of blue lines so I called my doctor and rushed to his office after work only to find out he didn't accept my insurance anymore but I didn't care I paid in cash...I NEEDED ANSWERS. The nurse gave me a cup to tinkle in which was nearly impossible even though I couldn't stop going to the bathroom throughout the day but eventually I did and the doctor came in to tell me the result was negative. SIDE NOTE: That was the DAY OF my missed period but I just knew so being me I asked my doctor to take a blood test, he laughed at my persistence but agreed and told me my results would be ready in about 2 days. Again being the person I am I called his office the following morning to check on results...they weren't ready BUT I did get a call that evening from my good old doctor laughing yet again "Jacqueline, you were right...you're going to be a Mommy, congrats!" While I KNEW it I still couldn't BELIEVE it, like I said we had been trying for close to a year...tracking my ovulation on apps, with tests, having sex at the "right times", then facing the massive pain and disappoint monthly when my period would drop. Now that I had the news I was waiting for my excitement hit a million as I prepared myself to tell Jack; I couldn't wait!! I knew exactly how I wanted to do it (I had MONTHS to figure it out), I got a "Jack in the Box" (since we are both Jack/q) with little note "I LOVE YOU DADDY. LOVE BEBE. DUE 9/15/16". To avoid making myself and anyone reading this extra sad I won't post the video but let me tell you he couldn't believe it and his reaction was so freaking sweet, it was such a special moment. We shared the news with my mom, sister, and best friend because I needed females to talk to and they were all equally as happy; they knew our struggle and they knew our extreme love for children and starting a family of our own.

My many Pintrest boards now had a purpose and could finally come to life, ugh so freaking excited...I'm talking butterflies!! Now the hardest part was keeping it a secret from my friends ahhh I wanted to scream it to the freaking world "I'm going to be a Mommy". From the second I knew (not the doctor, me) I started documenting, making videos for the bebe so I continued doing that, also bringing my "Pregnancy Photos" Pintrest to life, and stalking my pregnancy apps to track the bebe. I had to find a new doctor since mine no longer took my insurance (bummer) and scheduled the 8 week appointment so we can get our first picture. The night before that appointment I experienced cramping but according to all sources that was completely normal (but my instincts told me otherwise), later on a had some spotting but again according to all the sources it was completely normal. Jack was doing extensive research and all the sources were telling us everything was totally normal and okay so we went to sleep; at 5amI woke up screaming because I fell myself bleeding and just knew! We rushed to the hospital where we spent 2-3 hours waiting until finally a doctor who just arrived for his shift came to my bedside with his coffee and told me I wasn't pregnant and just like that we both sat there and cried. In an attempt to console me the doctor said "It's okay, it's like you were never pregnant at all" clearly that didn't sit well with me; I was too numb and sad to respond but wtf dude we were two adults who wanted this we weren't sitting there like two HS kids praying it was a goof and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Jerk! That day was also the day of my 8 week check up and sonogram so I went because I was praying that the jerk of a doctor at the hospital was mixed up and made a mistake; but it was a no go...this time I found out with more compassion and got a little more information. I was told that I miscarried very hard, so hard that they didn't have to go in and scrape anything out, in hindsight I'm glad that it happened that way because I don't think I could have handled more.

We went home and I cried, cried, and cried...I was numb I couldn't believe it. Jack had to to be strong for me because I was down like really down I've never looked into what depression really is but I can only imagine I was suffering from some level of it...numb is the best word to describe my feeling. While I only told a handful of people I ended up telling my circle of friends eventually what happened it was bitter sweet. It was really hard at times too though; I got hit with "everything thing happens for a reason" A LOT and honestly I wanted to punch anyone and everyone who said that in the face, that is literally the LAST thing I wanted to hear and was in no emotional position to handle that! But at the end of the day I received the love and support I needed and how else would I get the support I needed if people didn't know. Also, everyone knew we were trying or if they didn't they wanted us to try because they saw our love for children so they would question us. Lastly, because I saw I wasn't alone...I was shocked at how many women and couples experienced what we just went through.

Well that's that! It's amazing how much better I'm feeling, I feel like I just got out of a therapy session...this is why I write. If you stumble upon this post THANK YOU for listening (by reading). If you've read this and you've experienced this, you're not alone! I'm sure I'll let a few more tears out along the way knowing what today was supposed to be, but 9 months later I have come to terms with "everything happens for a reason" and that "there is a plan in store for me". We'll keep trying and when the time finally comes we will cherish it that much more, in the mean time we will continue to enjoy our life together and smothering all the babies in our lives with lots of love.

Happy September 15th Bebe

THRIFTAHOLIC

I like nice things, shocker! I especially love nice things when it comes to my house, it's like I can sniff out expensive though...literally my latest obsession is a $40 candle...whyyyy?! Unfortunately, just because I like nice things doesn't mean I can afford nice things but just because I can't afford nice things doesn't mean I'm not going to get nice things. When I like something, like really really like something, like dream about it all the time that's how much I like it like something I have to have it because it means I really like it...got it? Here's how I do it...THRIFTING, but not in the most typical sense, when I say thrifting I simply mean paying NO WHERE near full price. While I most definitely attend giant flea market, small yard sales, antique shops, Salvation Army etc.; I love me some Home Goods, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls; but my most favorite is my love KRRB! Any who enough talking/typing (whatever) I listed some of my most favorite finds below. Side note not only to I score great deals on KRRB but I have made quite a few sales and a pretty penny on them which help me pay for new gems.

From left to right; top to bottom:

1-4: IKEA LOHALS RUG, IKEA DRACAENA MASSANGEANA PLANT (x4), IKEA SELJE SIDE TABLE, IKEA TERJE FOLDING CHAIR (x2), NOT PICTURED: PERGOLA, WOODEN CRATE (x4). The IKEA furniture and plants alone total $319 and I paid $100!  Oh and guess what, BRAND NEW!! A company purchased all of that to decorate a showroom for a 3 day event and they didn't want to pack it back up and toss it so I offered my services (aka sent Jack with $100 to go pick it up). Major win!!

5: IKEA LEIRVIK BED & MATTRESS. Retails for $478 and I paid $0, no that is not a typo I got all of that for free! Here's the deal; a very nice lady purchased all of this when she moved to NYC and 2 days after the purchase she got a call that she was excepted to a masters program in Ireland. She was trying to sell it and I actually emailed her to purchase it for our guest bedroom but after thinking about all the expenses that go into moving we opted out of it since the guest bed was not a priority. After letting her know I was no longer interested she sent me a message letting me that she had to catch her flight at 1pm and still had not found anyone to purchase it and would hate for it to just go into the dumpster so she said I could have it for free since I was nice! I felt weird about it even though it was only about a week old but then I realized I sleep on hotel and AIRBNB mattresses all the time.

6: IKEA STENSTORP KITCHEN ISLAND. This was a MUST for our new place so I invested a lot of time trying to find a good deal, this was actually one of the harder finds. A ton of folks had this product listed for resale but were asking for crazy amounts, I'm taking full price for resale...CRAZY, even $100 off wasn't enough for me so I stalked the web until I found something reasonable. In the end I found a nice family who was using the island as a desk and was willing to sell it to me for $130 which was amazing since it was in excellent condition and retailing for $400!

7: JONATHAN ADLER SETTEE. This is my first true love, my first really good find! Per usual I had a vision; I wanted a farmhouse table with a settee on one side and mismatched chairs to finish it off. Remember how I said I just sniff out expensive, this is a prime example...I essentially wanted to buy a mini sofa for HALF of my dining sitting...sofas are damn expensive, hell I could barely afford ONE sofa! I obsessed until I finally found THE ONE a peach Jonathan Adler BRAND NEW settee; the original price was $1800 they were asking $800 and I got it for $200! I did some research and realized the couple selling the settee had several very expensive pieces listed that were sitting in storage; all sold except the darling settee I wanted...so what did that mean to me?! It meant that it was going to cost them more in storage (they were storing it in the Chelsea area of NYC $$) then to sell it to me and I was right so they bit and HAPPILY sold it to me for $200. This thing was in PRISTINE condition brand new and even fully wrapped in plastic...my baby!!!

8: SERENA AND LILY HANGING CHAIR. While browsing the gram I saw Apartment Therapy post a picture with a hanging chair and immediately began obsessing; then, I saw the price tag and almost passed out...$600 for a damn adult swing wth!? But obviously that didn't lessen my obsession, in fact my obsession only grew and it turned into a game trying to hunt that damn chair down for a reasonable price. The outcome is obvious I found my Serena and Lily Hanging Chair and for only $100! This awesome chick purchased a home but was getting it completely gutted and renovated; during the gutting process she bought a ton of furniture she loved but unfortunately for her after the renovation not all of it worked...luckily for me the hanging chair was one of them and I scored big time...BRAND NEW IN BOX for $100!

You'll see pictures of all those beauties in my apartment over on my IG, I haven't taken many pictures of the new place I'll try getting to that at some point. The moral of this story is it's okay to want nice things but you don't have to pay full price for them, it's so much sweeter when you get a deal. Happy Thrifting!!

SELFISH

A wise man once told me, you have so much potential to be a great writer and social media star just make sure you never share your age or your relationship status....

I've got a little over 2 months left in my 20's, I'm going to be 30 freaking years old...WHAT.THE.F! When the hell did that happen? As I'm embracing these last few months of my 20's I totally get why they say "30s are the new 20s"; I was dumb as shit for most of my 20s! I feel great going into 30 like I have a damn brain and some sort of clue; I feel like a better version of my 20 year old self and shockingly enough I don't feel old (maturer, slightly grown up, but not old). I still am clueless about a ton of adult like things, still haven't got myself completely figured out, and I still suck at hiding my emotions; but I'm comfortable, aware, and actively growing.

In my new year I want to focus on me, worrying about me and what makes me happy and what is best for me! How freaking selfish right? Ha, I know and it's so scary for me the most selfless person in the world, literally to a fault. This year I'm really going to do what I want and if that means not attending every event that I'm invited to...so be it! If it means allowing folks to pay me back instead of saying "no it's okay, I got it" (until I'm rich then I'll revert)...so be it! All in all I'm going to make a promise to myself to put my happiness first and be true to myself; of course I'm never going to not be caring, giving, and loving but I cannot fully care for others unless I take care of myself first. Hell even on the airplane they tell parents put your oxygen mask on before putting on your child's. I already have gotten a head start: moving all the way to Cold Spring with my little family.  Then, there was writing on this page for me and not forcing it to be a blog in turn making me a fraud blogger. Next up, doing what I want for my birthday and not worrying "is it too far for people"; Jack is trying to drill into my head "people that want to be around will be around"...after all it is my 30th...eek!

I have to commit to this, I don't want this to be like an empty NYE resolution "I'm going to give up soda and go to the gym 4 times a week". Now back to enjoying my last 72 days in my 20s! 

HELLO COLD SPRING

As of September 1st our little family are residents of Cold Spring, NY; a little (very little) village about an hour out of the city. We always spoke about leaving the city, we would spend our weekends exploring up north finding Charlie friendly activities. NYC will always be home and where we are from but we knew there was so much more out there and we had to step out of our comfort zone (me more than Jack) to fully experience it. For me it wasn't the subways, bodegas, and bars I was going to miss; it was my family and friends who were just a few minutes away! Our house was the meeting place for so many gathers both planned and spontaneous; we had a revolving door since we lived right in the center of everyone and everything (most importantly 2 miles from my momma and sissy)!

The move (which started 8/24) really took my love and appreciation for our relationship to another level; it was during this move that I realized it was just me and him. I'm totally not knocking the amazing family and friends we have but it became clear to me that at the day when everyone else is gone it's just the two of us (and Charlie of course). A few months ago I would have felt an insane amount of guilt saying that, I would have felt like I was shitting on everyone else in my life but I guess I'm maturing or something and I see things a bit differently. This is the circle of life; we are starting a life and a family (2 adults and a pup can be a family right?) and if I want the MOST (happiness, love, and peace) out of life I have to come to terms with it, embrace it, and live it out. I also need to remember by putting this part of my life first for my utmost happiness doesn't lessen my love for anyone else in my life, it's just a different kind of love. We took this leap moving an hour away (which is huge for us), leaving the big city we grew up in for a tiny village, and finding a place that makes US happy!

So a little about Cold Spring:

It really is a village / The Metro North from Grand Central stops 2 blocks away from our house (70 minute ride) / We are both on the water and in the mountains, so tons of water activities and hiking / We have done a 5 mile loop several times since moving here (6 pack coming soon?) / It is insanely peaceful / There are an obnoxious amount of antique stores (I'm in heaven) and massive weekend flea markets/ It's a historic village so lots of charm / Every neighbor is wildly amused by our names "Jack and Jacqueline" / Almost every person we've met in Cold Spring moved here from NYC / We live in an actual house (a very quirky one at that) but it's more like a cottage with a pretty low ceiling on the second floor (bruises and bumps to prove it) / We have a guest bedroom and we've already had a few slumber parties with our people / Charlie is in absolute heaven and it seems like we moved here for her

I cannot wait to share pictures of inside our new home, the layout is completely different from our old apartment so it's such a fun project (especially with all the antique shops and flea markets I'm surrounded by).

"ABOUT ME"

Here's the deal, life got busy per usual and since this lovely page doesn't exactly pay my bills I ended up moving it down on my priority list. Along with that I got intimidated by all the amazing bloggers out there; the ones who kill the game with the stunning photos, awesome content, and sick giveaways; I was nothing like them or at least my page wasn't (I was more talk, less really awesome pics). When I tried to follow suit it felt so inorganic and I hated it I didn't feel like a "blogger" it felt so forced and I couldn't fake the funk, I couldn't compete or keep up with them! In retrospect I know that was lame as shit and I should have know better than to compare myself to anyone but I'm human and at times I do stupid things (please don't share that information with my parents and boyfriend) but it's the truth. Then, time passed (like a lot of time) and I was almost embarrassed to pick up where I left off especially while watching other blogs grow so much in that time, so what happened even more time passed me by and here I am a year later. But I'm back! Why? Well for starters when I wasn't busy trying to fit the blogger mold and wrote in my own completely transparent voice people responded and it felt great connecting with friends and strangers over life. But most importantly, I missed writing and whined about it religiously over the course of the year so I'm back!

I'm back not as a blogger because I don't fit a specific mold and the pressure of finding a "niche" and sticking with it will 100% turn me off from this again. I'm back not as a writer because I write how I speak and I speak at a 100 words a minute without thinking and I don't want to worry about grammatical errors or typos. I'm back as a girl who loves to talk, share, and can't keep a journal for the life of me (legit there are probably 7 journals floating around my house). This time around it's not about the number of likes or followers but just a place for me to store all my thoughts and if someone wants to read along, be my guest!

PS I hate "ABOUT ME" sections they legit stress me out (like solo photos) but if I had one this post would be it!

PSS I didn't delete the old posts they're under the "OLDIES" section up top.